meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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