Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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