Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
