i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
