I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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