Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
