Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
