hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
