The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
