Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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