omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
