that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
