Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
