***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Plural? Please tell.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
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My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
my liver is dry heaving
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.