I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
