Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
