Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
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I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
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All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style