I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.