Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
