Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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