I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
