Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
