let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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