i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
