You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
