I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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