Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
