My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
