Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
