How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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