Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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