My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
