Just fell off a train. Bad.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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