I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
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I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
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Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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