You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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