I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
