meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
be right there i have to get my cape
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
