I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
