She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just blew my weed a kiss
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.