I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
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I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
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you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.