just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
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Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
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I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.