he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
