He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
