they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
