wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
