You just made me feel so damn special
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
