Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?