im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
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I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES