You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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