I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
