I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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