Your mouth is God's brothel.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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