apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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