I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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