Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
