mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
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do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
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Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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