Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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