Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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