Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Can Purell be used as lube?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
