I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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